Look, I lead a pretty decent life. I try not to spend too much time talking about stuff that bugs me. Compared to a lot of people, I have it pretty sweet. Wife, career, car, house, friends, good health, and family… I have all that. I do, however, have some first world problems. Here’s three of them.
1. My voicetext must be dictated by a ninth grade girl.
I don’t know how she gained access to my phone, but she did. I call her Tausha. The little brat insists on abbreviating what I say, substituting symbols for words, and indiscriminately throwing slang in to the mix. As an example:
Killer J’s voice command: “Your session is at two. Please bring your money before I see you today.”
Voicetext Tausha’s interpretation: “Um, so be therr @ 2. Eww. YOLO! Bring ur dolla billz and all yo’ $waaaag b4 icu, boy!”
2. Swype is no better. In my phone, a little monkey runs the Swype show. I’ll type my wife’s name, Katchie, and what does the little chimp inside my phone type?
Yes, Swype-monkey, Kazakhstan needs to remember to pick up a gallon of milk, tonight. Have a banana, jack ass.
3. Gold’s gym doesn’t allow chalk.
I am currently on strike two for having been caught sneaking in my own chalk bag by the Neanderthal that sports the Size Smedium Gold’s Gym Staff shirt.
“Oh hey! Didn’t see you standing there, Bumbo. That white billowy cloud emanating from my general area? Nah, It’s cocaine, I swear! I quit chalk. Three years clean, promise.”