Grocery stores need traffic lights. That won’t happen, so I guess I’ll always get to navigate the Butt Gauntlet pictured above. I took this picture five minutes in to my trip to the store, and this was already the fourth Butt Gauntlet I faced! What makes people lose their sense of awareness once they set foot in the grocery store? To be fair, not everybody does this. The most common Butt Gauntlet offender tends to be overweight and dressed funny. Well dressed fat folks have couth. If you happen to be a dapper butterball, thank you for your awareness. This post isn’t about you.
For those of you halfwits that comprised one of the four Butt Gauntlets I shimmied through less than an hour ago, I have a question. Are you really that blissfully unaware of your surroundings that you don’t notice the logjam you’ve created while you motionlessly stare at the Vienna Sausages? Or, are you all part of some Punk’d-esque network of overweight oafs that united with the fashion-blind to get a few laughs in at our expense? If it’s the latter, congratulations! That’s actually pretty awesome if you are doing it on purpose.
I suspect the former, unfortunately. If you, dear reader, are guilty of creating a Butt Gauntlet, I’m not mad. I just ask that you hike up your Levi shorts, grab the damn bag of chips already, and get moving!