Environmental Abolitionism

The government’s role in preserving the environment has been a hotly contested issue between the hygiene-phobic left and compassionate capitalists on the right. It could be argued the focus on the environment’s role in our nation’s economic development takes focus off important political issues, like whether or not Romney was a bully and Obama was a base-head. Thus, the environment is bad.
Congressman Forrest Burns agrees. Burns, a late blooming third party candidate, suggests a controversial approach. “The environment must be stopped. Through Environmental Abolitionism (EA), we seek to eliminate the environment in its entirety. Implementing EA simply simplifies American life.”
Opponents of EA point out the word “environment” is incredibly broad, thus, the foundation of EA is non-sensical, at best. Naysayers dismiss EA as lacking the most basic elements of logic and reason.
Congressman Burns repudiates doubters. This past week Burns answered critics, “My opponents say EA lacks logic and reason. Well, let me tell the American people a secret. Logic and reason are tools of The Devil! Along with homo sex and music.”
Killer J finds the idea of playing with Lucifer’s tool disgusting, therefore, Killer J officially endorses Burns in his quest to enact EA. Post comments below if you are on board!


2 thoughts on “Environmental Abolitionism

  1. Upon reading this insightful entry I realized Congressman Burns and I have more in common than I originally believed. In my research I found that in 1997 he took part in a new wave “book burning” which involved incinerating large parts of Yellowstone National Forest. The group of EA enthusiasts acted upon astute beliefs that it was foolish to burn books already produced from one of Earth’s precious resources and instead burn the source of the problem, trees. “It is a complete waste of our [speaking for the group] time to burn nonsensical dribble about human’s overuse of the resources we already have too much of. We believe it far more effective to stop the problem at the root so to speak.” Yellowstone park officials stated that the group caused over one hundred thousand dollars worth of damage (or awareness depending on how you view things) to the park. To the informed individual Burns actions may look ludicrous but it is in that belief that we as Americans may find solace. “Sane people” have been in office long enough. Isn’t it time for a fresh new face to enter the Executive Mansion? I assure you the answer is yes! In closing I believe we should all take a moment and apply the the genius of one of our own and ask, “what would the All-American Tim Tebow say?” And I respond with his famous statement “treat them how you would want to be treated.” So if you have ever had the unlucky experience of being “that guy,” join with Congressman Forrest Burns in his quest to conquer from the left to the right, and take solace in the idea that anyone can make it. I mean it. If he has a shot, we all do!

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