At some point, Westside Mark has written about fearing the smiling, quiet dude more than the loud mouth hot head. Well, I want to further define the benign chest thumper. This is the guy for whom the analogy, “All bark, no bite” was made. If you find yourself in a confrontation with a gentleman who exhibits all three characteristics below, he likely is diagnosable with “Male Pattern Histrionic Personality Disorder,” also known as the Not So Macho Man. If you can think of more characteristics, feel free to add them below.
- He is surrounded by friends, all of whom fit the criteria for a species of Gym Jerk called “Tapped Out.” Click the link for a full description, otherwise simply understand his friends look like this:
- He is loud. Very loud. As if his deafening tone weren’t enough, he will insist on using obviously rehearsed tough guy quips. Another tell-tell sign is he’ll repeat the last portion of the tough guy quip over and over, e.g. “Feelin’ froggy? Jump then! …jump then! … jump then! …jump then!” or “Got a problem? Then solve it! …solve it! …solve it, playboy! …solve it!”
- The third sign is he’ll move around a lot. These movements best resemble hip hop dance performed by a spastic baboon, reminiscent of the way the Crossfit Cult tells us to do pull ups:
If you come across this dude, rest easy. 🙂