Saturday, March 29, 2008

Current mood:  amused

Oh bOY!

So this bump decides to sprout from the back of my hand the other day.  I figured I got bit by a spider, so I let it be.  Since that day, I’ve watched my bump mutate into a scaly, throbbing, pink doughnut!

Alarmed, I rush to get myself accurately diagnosed.  This guy at my gym seems smart, so I show him my burgeoning, fleshy pastry.  He casually informs me:  “Yep, you’ve got The Ringworm,” then pops the earphone connected to his iPod back in place and saunters off.

An admitted dermatological blockhead, I immediately lumped The Ringworm in with those other obscure diseases, i.e. Typhoid, Dysentery, Hopscotch Lucy, and The Black Death.  Hell, I was picturing those Grabboid death worms from that “Tremors” movie sloshing about my veins!  So I rush home to look it up on Teh Internets.  Every five seconds I fervently glare at my apparent entry wound expecting to see something horribly disastrous take place.

Good ol’ Google came through and let me know Ringworm is just a fungal disease that can be taken care of with Boom! Tough actin’ Tinactin.  I’m currently self-medicating and it should clear up.

Meanwhile, Katchie has me quarantined.  I’m relegated to marinating in a separate set of fungus fueled sheets at night and she wisely keeps a healthy distance from my beefy growth.  If I come within three feet of her with my hand, her eyes turn to saucers and she starts shrieking, “Don’t! DON’T! Dammit Jeff, I mean it!, DOOON’T!!!

Awe, my wife is so cute.  On the bright side, I have one more tool at my disposal to harass her with.  Well kids, that wraps this blog up.  Until next time, remember to bathe regularly and use soap.


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