My thoughts have been drifting towards my impending death with more frequency as of late. I’m not depressed, pessimistic, terminally ill, emo, or even slightly glum. I just see the signs, and it occurs to me I won’t be around forever. I don’t know if I’m alone here, but I rarely attribute all the death and dying in the world as the inevitable ending for myself. I’m a physically fit, financially stable, married, mentally healthy (depending on who you ask), confident, young man. Basically, I’m a bad ass.
The perpetual chinks in my armor, however, illuminate my ultimate vulnerability as of late. This year I have had my head split open, sprained my toe and ankle, had the flu, and The Black Spot (still fighting this shit, by the way). Not to much in the grand scheme of things, but enough to remind me my strong body will one day be ash.
What’s the point of this admittedly dark post?
To have this read at my eulogy:
“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming, ‘WOW, WHAT A RIDE!!!”
I went to the doctor for The Black Spot. It’s no curse, just a nasty illness. I have Staph Impetigo! I likely picked up this insidious infection while grappling. So now, I get to take a full load of antibiotics and not go the gym or train (or compete in the Throwdown tournament) for a couple weeks. Since I picked it up grappling and have trained since then, I did the courtesy of calling my training partners to inform them. Here’s how it went with one of my partners named “G”:
Me: Hey, we need to talk.
G: Sure, what’s up?
Me: Remember that night when we got sweaty and rolled around together? It was that Monday night when we just kind of ”ended up” at the gym at the same time?
G: Yes, yes. Of course I remember that night. How could I forget…
Me: Well, the doctor told me I have impetigo. I, uh, thought you should know. You should get tested.
G: …
Me: I’m so sorry, G!
G: Whore! (click)
One call down, twenty to go. Maybe I should learn to have some discretion with those I grapple with.
The Swine got me! I was in top shape for the upcoming jiujitsu tournament, and some sick prick had to hack and sputter all over me, effectively coating me with pig bugs. I started coughing a little last Saturday and Sunday, but still felt fairly good. Monday morning comes around, and BAM! I was done for. My hot nurse took good care of me, so I’m back up and good to go.
Except for one thing. I have the The Black Spot!
Yup, straight out of The Pirates of the Caribbean, but that shit’s on my face! The Swine knocked my immune system down enough that The Black Spot saw its opportunity, swooped in, and took root by my mouth. It’s not going away either, no matter what I slather on. Hydrocortisone, lotion, vaseline, salves, ointments, ketchup… nothing! I better go watch the movie again to figure out how Jack Sparrow got rid of the curse; apparently the cure doesn’t come in a bottle.
The more I learn about the world, the more convinced I become I don’t know jack. I decided I needed to know more about cool shit like black holes and the universe. I bought Stephen Hawking’s, “A Brief History of Time.” Hawking does an excellent job creating a dumbed down explanation of the universe, but I learned so many new things that I unwittingly ended up having five times as many new questions than before I bought the book! Like, why can’t light escape a black hole? It’s LIGHT, for hell’s sake!
My profession is the same way. Prior to my professional and educational experience, I figured I give good advice so I’d make a good therapist. I have since learned that to effectively help somebody, you must take ecology, biology, psychology, society, cultural influence, thinking patterns, past trauma, strengths, weaknesses, intelligence, learning styles, thought patterns, verbal communication style, non-verbal communication, resistance to treatment, legal history, drug and alcohol history, developmental level, gender, ethnicity, etc. in to account. Also, you must simultaneously be empathic, compassionate, self-aware, charismatic, believable, logical, and intuitive all while having their best interests in mind. I love my job, but I’m fully aware I have just scratched the surface.
For the record, the universe and psychology are definitely heady matters, but don’t even get me started on the wonders of jiu jitsu.
During training today, a buddy of mine got pretty upset after losing a match to a fellow training partner. After tapping out to an arm lock, he sprang up with a heated expression on his face, cussed, and paced around the gym while stewing. He was clearly disappointed with his performance. It was apparent, however, that if he would have had time (it was towards the end of training session), he would have challenged the guy that just beat him to a rematch. Anyway, he was calm within a minute or two. He asked me something to the effect of, “Is it bad that I got mad?”
In order to make a value judgment on an emotion like anger, I think you need to look at the behavior that follows the emotion. Emotion, by itself, is a reaction to your belief system. If our belief system is irrational, our emotions get the best of us and we behave poorly or ineffectively. If our belief system is rational, our emotions are simply fuel for productivity and growth. In order to determine whether or not anger is productive or acceptable, you must look at the behavior that follows the emotional response.
Let’s break down my buddy’s experience. First, he gets beat. Second, he becomes angry due to some type of internal dialogue he had about his performance. Probably something like, “Dammit, I can do better than that!” Third, he became angry but would have (fourth) gone on to challenge the guy to a rematch.
To me, his anger was productive in that he used it to better himself. This is due to his rational belief of, “I can do better than that.” If his belief had been, “I absolutely cannot lose. If I lose, I’m worthless,” then he would have still had the emotional response of anger upon losing. His behavior, however, would have likely been to sulk and go home. He would avoid the hurdle (the guy that beat him) due to self imposed avoidance of his irrational belief, “I’m worthless when I lose.” Instead of attempting to better his situation, he would stagnate and never progress.
So, what do you think? Is it bad to get pissed off at yourself for not performing up to what you feel your standards should be?
I decided to register for the Throwdown Tournament in November. Right now, I’m fat, slow, and out of shape. I’m going to use this blog as my form of accountability. I did this once before for the Boise tournament, and it worked out nicely. This post may be boring as hell for most people, but I’m going to keep an ongoing log on this thread. The tournament is Nov. 14th, which gives me five weeks.
Conditioning goal: Intensive cardio four times per week.
Training goal: Train two to three times per week. Spend a lot of time working from guard, as my takedowns may be lacking due to my shitty ankle.
Weight goal (the hard one): Right now I weight 203. The weight classes are 185 and below for middle weight, and 205 and below for light heavyweight. I feel strong at light heavy, but will probably be at a disadvantage due to guys that weight 220 cutting down to make the 205 limit. I may shoot for 185.
Division: There are only two divisions based on difficulty. This sucks. Here’s my poll question.
Do I sand bag and enter the beginner division (I’ve been training two years, beginner is usually 18 months or less)? Or do I enter the Title division (this could be guys with years and years of more experience)?
Day 1) Nutrition: six meals, all clean. Conditioning: low intensity cardio mixed with moderate intensity plyos. Training: Guillotines and guillotine defense.
Day 2) Nutrition: six meals, all clean. Conditioning: 45 min. moderate-high intensity cardio. Training: none
Day 3) Nutrition: six meals, all clean. Conditioning: 1 hour high intensity cardio mixed with core exercises. Training: none
Day 4) Nutrition: six meals, all clean. Conditioning: 45 min. boot camp style and 15 min. moderate intensity cardio. Training: None (I was supposed to train today, but covered a couple groups for a friend)
Day 5) Nutrition: six meals, five clean, one moderate. Conditioning: 1 hour Dragon Eagle. Training: None
Day 6) Nutrition: five meals, four clean, one low/moderate, Conditioning: none. Training: 2 hours open mat
Day 7) Nutrition: four meals, three clean, one cheat. Conditioning: none. Training: none.
Day Nutrition: five meals, all clean. Conditioning: 1 hour high intensity weight training plus plyos. Training: 1 hour Ironman style.
Day 9) Nutrition: five meals, all clean. Conditioning: 1 hour moderate to high intensity cardio with core work. Training: None
Day 10) Nutrition: six meals, all clean. Conditioning: 1 hour high intensity weights with cardio. Training: None
Day 11) Nutrition: five meals, all clean. Conditioning: 1 hour boot camp at Gold’s. Training: 1.5 hours. Worked on calf slicers.
Day 12) Nutrition: six meals, five clean one moderate. Conditioning: Dragon Eagle. Training: none.
STALE-mate. That’s what my grappling fight basically was today at the Foley’s vs. Westside Jiujitsu Tournament. I weighed in at 203, which put me in with the heavyweights by three pounds. There were all of three people in my division (all from Westside), and I got a first round bye due to my good looks. This put me in to the Championship round without me having to even take off my warmups!
Tory got the best of Tony, so it ended up being me vs. Tory. I’ll spare the details, because our match went the entire regulation PLUS ten minutes sudden death overtime without either of us scoring a point! The most exciting part of our match was the ongoing commentary between Tory and I:
T: “Why you grabbing your shorts?”
J: “Why do you have to be so sweaty?”
T: “You got a bye, I’ve already had a match.”
J: “Don’t worry, I’ll end this quickly.”
T: “Quit laying there and do something then!”
The friendly banter kept some of the attention off our snoozer of a bout. I ended up getting the nod from the judges, as apparently I attempted more submissions even though he had dominant position (in my guard) for most of overtime. It’s not much of a victory, as most of the time Tory ragdolls me when we train together. Whatever though, I’ll take it. Here’s a snapshot from the crowd:
My personal highlight was I got to sport these:
That’s right, socks with toes. Looks a little fruity? To hell with it. Give me five toed socks with rainbow stripes, I’ll rock that shit all day! Seriously though, these socks save my feet from getting dinged up plus they have traction on the bottom. They provide traction like wrestling shoes, but keep me from getting heel hooked easily! Plus, they creep opponents out.
The perpetual chinks in my armor, however, illuminate my ultimate vulnerability as of late. This year I have had my head split open, sprained my toe and ankle, had the flu, and The Black Spot (still fighting this shit, by the way). Not to much in the grand scheme of things, but enough to remind me my strong body will one day be ash.
![brazilian-jj[1]](http://thekillerj.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/brazilian-jj1.gif "brazilian-jj[1]")
Nutrition: five meals, all clean. Conditioning: 1 hour high intensity weight training plus plyos. Training: 1 hour Ironman style.
